My struggle with going to India

Before I post my journal on my trip to India I wanted to share a letter I wrote to my pastor, Christina Walker. To follow God and go on this trip was hard. I had to let go and give everything to Him, including my boys. I wrote this letter to her the morning after attending an India meeting with Suresh from Harvest India. I had stayed up all night praying about this. The only reason I went (or so I thought) was to support Rene and his decision to go to India. I wasn't supposed to go! Boy, was I wrong.

Hi Christina!

I hope you are doing well. We're doing great, only two more days of school!! Woo hoo!!

I don't even know if I'm going to send you this email, I just feel the need to write out my feelings right now.

Last night Rene and I went to the India dessert to listen to Suresh. Rene really wants to go and he wanted me to go to the dessert to support him. I had no desire to go but really wanted Rene to go. As I'm sitting there listening to Suresh I just felt this overwhelming emotion stirring in me. Especially when I heard about the "Untouchables". I just can't imagine that someone would be considered that just because they were born. I had heard about them before but just assumed there was a "valid" reason why they were called that (not that there is a reason to call someone that, I just needed to make myself feel better). At the end of the meeting Dave started to pray. That's when God spoke to me. He said "you are going". I took it to say that Rene was going but I heard Him again, "you are going".

I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would go to India (even want to go). I knew that eventually I wanted to do mission work, but I wanted to do it in "my country" when "I was ready". When it was convenient for me. And now I just feel like I've been knocked to the ground with this. I mean, how can I leave my boys for two weeks? But than I was sitting outside with them this morning watching them play and I just knew that they will be OK. They have God with them. Even if something were to happen to Rene and me or the boys, I know that we will be OK because God is with us. We don't need anything else.

I talked to Rene last night. I figured he wouldn't want me to go because of the boys, but he said that I would be amazing there. And that with both of us there, it would be even more so. He feels that we could really make an impact there and that India would have an awesome impact on us!

I was up all night reading the Bible and praying (trying to find a way to change my feelings). I mean, I thought we would start trying for a baby this fall. But I don't even feel sad that we would have to wait. I'm willing to wait. I've been wanting another baby for over three years now, and I'm so close to making that a reality and now I want to wait. Wow!

I thought I wanted life to go smooth for awhile. But I see now that I want to be stretched and challenged. I want to grow in my faith. I want to bring others to God. I want to raise our boys to be strong men in their faith. I want to be a shining example of what God can do in your life if you just let him in.

So now my plan that I had for our family over the next year has been thrown out and I'm ready to follow God's plan. I'm opening my heart and mind to see where God wants to take me and I'm not even scared. It feels so good to let God lead my life, even if it ends up not being the life that I thought was best for me.

Ok, I'm going to stop rambling and see if I can get the nerve up to send this to you.

Take care,
Jenny